Habit forming

True to form a couple of weeks of relative good behaviour, going to the gym, walking etc – is followed by illness which lays me low. Coincidence perhaps but I must, as soon as I can walk more than three steps without feinting or coughing my guts up, must seize the day, bull by the horns, grasp the nettle, clamber back upon the horse (exercise bike). I need to build these habits to the point where it feels wrong not to go.

I was enjoying it. I generally do. It is more time and mood and energy that gets in the way – the latter two of course benefit when I find the first, but work and commuting and public transport collude to make it hard.

But I will try again.

If… If, I take the plunge and find myself at greater liberty next year, I must make myself build a walk in every day. For fitness, but also the inspiration it brings. The thinking space, that is so hard to find. In the house, I am plagued by should do this and should do that, or worse should have done this or that, a million miles and hours away from when it would have done me any good. For peace of mind I try to chase the thoughts away, mindfully meditate, breathe deeply and calmly. But sometimes you need to think. But have the thoughts be useful, helpful, inspirational. And walking does that, eventually. The first half hour or so you chase away the nagging doubts, and with sweat comes clarity – first the fresh air and beauty around you, a quiet respite, then something stirs and lightbulbs light.

And I want to get fit. If I end up back in some 9-5 sat on my bum scenario, I want the load to be lighter. Who knows what life is like without debt or weight? Both so heavy round your neck, they bend you down until you cannot see the way ahead.

I don’t want to be a willow the wisp. Just not quite so gravid, quicker on my feet. Able to jump down from a wall without fear.

If. If. Of course I might not be let go. And so Plan B must also form. Which will recquire much greater discipline.

Apron strings

Is it it because I am an only child, I wonder, that I find myself worrying so much, at nearly forty years of age, about what my parents will think if I do what I really want to do? (My lord, that was a sentence of some complexity)

It is a source of endless anxiety. Their opinion of me. My perception of their disappointment. Not in all things, but in many. And the things they are not disappointed about are possibly the things of which I would like to divest myself.

But it is, after all, my life. How will I feel if by some miracle I make it to the ever receding pension age, having stayed at my current employer all my life, never truly enjoying it. Indeed, much of the time actively detesting and being damaged by it, in terms of my mental wellbeing. And then, what guarantee of any health or life left over to enjoy this glorious pension, which is not the golden apple so many seem to think even now – before a another thirty years of political erosion. If they are still here then, they will be 95.

Should one expect long life and luxury in retirement? Put off all enjoyment until then? It is a hell of a gamble, and one which I would not give myself good odds on. Not that one should not prepare for it. In case it happens. But how would you live your life if you assumed you wouldn’t live much past 60 or 70? That there would be no long stretch of health to reap the rewards of a life of toil.

I would like some different experiences. Working experiences, and leisure experiences. I want to keep learning. I want to do what I love. I want to create, to teach, to make a difference, to help, in a more direct way than I do now.

I am suffering from imposter syndrome. I still do, even in my long established role, in which I never get anything but good feedback.

It doesn’t seem to matter what plaudits or awards, commendations or approval I receive. It doesn’t sink in.

Perhaps because like any little Freudian I am always seeking the approval of my father and mother. And something always feels not quite right. It’s not that they don’t approve of my job. Clearly, the angst I am feeling regarding the prospect of doing something Different is based on their belief that it is “a good thing”. But I can’t really explain why it doesn’t feel right. They think It is a good thing because of the pay. The pension. The flexibility. The illusion of stability. And none of these things are bad. But somehow they don’t see the job itself. It is a good job. I remember commenting when one of my predecessor was being patronised by her husband- doesn’t he realise that’s a really good role in our profession? And Nationally, internationally even, not just within our organisation. So I have to acknowledge that myself. And it is not reall the professional aspects of the job I have trouble with. Except the ways in which I know it could be so much better in a different type of organisation.

It’s like those memes, “what people think I do, what my parents think I do, what I actually do” – I am not sure what they really think my day involves. But somehow here is surprise that I have staff, that I make the decisions about who to hire, that I travel to London a lot, that I’ve met some of he people they see on the news. I don’t know what job would be impressive to them. Or if they care at all about what I do, other than the pay it brings.

The things I want more of don’t cost money really. Well, some of them do. But not the really fudamental things. Maybe it’s just for a while. Time, space, air, fitness, community, creativity

I want to do something I’m good at, that makes a difference. that makes me happy . Several things. That I don’t have time to do properly now. But suddenly the thought of leaving the little pool scares me. I doubt my ability, think I’m a fraud, not real, somehow I don’t have the experience or training or something. I’m cosseted and delusional.

Maybe I am. Maybe I’m the person on the X factor whose mum really thinks they have a lovely voice.

Hope Floats

 

So if you are in England and watch the news you will probably have noticed that things got a little wet. Over much of the North, Scotland – homes & businesses destroyed, bridges washed away, roads collapsing.

The Calder Valley has been hit hard. Again. Somewhere I wrote (I think on my old blog) about the events of 2012 – when we were hit twice in the space of a month, once from rising river levels, and then from a freak flash storm onto the already saturated moors turning roads into waterfalls and overwhelming the rivers and drains again. People went through hell, but they also banded together and worked hard and most got back on their feet. There were a few casualties among the businesses of the valley which never opened up again, or which didn’t last long – the difficulty of getting insurance or cost of claiming – along with a less than stellar economic climate, makes it really hard. But even in the past six months new enterprises have sprung up from the ashes of old (Moyles hotel /bar/restaurant had stood empty until the new Moyles B&B was opened in one third of it)

But then it happened again. Boxing Day – I was in Leeds myself and watched the horrible events online as the waters rose and my firends were once again innundated. I live in Hebden Bridge, so most of what I see is related to there – but the damage is widespread, Mytholmroyd, Eastwood, Todmorden, Elland, Brighouse, Copley – more. The waters rose higher this time, over 6ft in some places (above floor level, which in itself is much higher than the usual river level). People had in many cases tried to put their belongings / stock high up to save them, high enough that they would have escaped in 2012, but not this time.

As the waters dropped and people surveyed the devastation – mud and sludge and silt covering everything, the valley began to do what it does best.

If you’ve never been here, Calderdale is beautiful. Absolutely stunning.

Stoodley Pike looks down over the bost alluring mix of gentle rolling hills and rugged craggs, man made echoes of industry somehow complementing the wild moors and steep wooded sides. It is beautiful. And a wonderful place to live. I was almost going to say despite the floods. But I also want to say because of the floods. Because the floods show you what is most beautiful, which is not always easy to see. And that is the people. The wonderful people – many of whom do great things in drier times too, as we are a creative, generous place – but so many more who when the need arises, ask no questions except – How can I help?  Thousands of people who flock to volunteer to muck out, to clean, to feed, to clothe, who donate cleaning equipment, clothes, toys, furniture, electrical goods, their time, money, services. Everyone thinking desperately “what can I do?”. People trying to turn their skills so that they can support the effort to put the valley right again.

It is going to be hard. So many people have no insurance, or cannot claim – ridiculous excesses / expense imposed on people who have nothing by companies which make obscene profit every year. Businesses which would often find these coming, post christmas months difficult at the best of times. People who were on zero hours contracts, whose workplaces are out of action for who knows how long. And still the rains fall.

But – with the help of the people of the valley – and the even more amazing people who are travelling from all over the country to help, to bring free food, to restore our faith in humanity and show the meaning of compassion and love (more on which another day) – there will be recovery.

A number of appeals have been put together to raise money – a main one which will help individual residents and be matched by the government – and then lots of crowdfunders for the many businesses which are affected. Celebrities and authors have donated items for auction to support some particular causes, and there are some great ideas like a raffle to win a wedding package with all the different things you might need.

If you are able, please do contribute – if you want to offer more practical support or buy something to support the clean up / refurbishment effort then please check the posts on Calder Valley Flood Support facebook pages to make sure you get what is currently needed, as the situation changes day by day.

Calder Valley Flood Support on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/cvcsg/?fref=nf

Amazon wishlist of items needed – buy from here and it will be delivered direct to the hubs
https://www.amazon.co.uk/registry/wishlist/16057BFO4YNG1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_it_wl_o_xIOGwb0E8EH8B

Calderdale Flood Relief Appeal:
https://localgiving.com/appeal/flooding

Calderdale’s Big Fat Wedding Raffle: (can you donate a prize? Or watch this space for details of how to buy tickets)
https://www.facebook.com/groups/806485476141124/

Support for individual businesses / organisations / schools etc.

Ebay auctions to support Sowerby Bridge Cricket Club:
http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/sowerbycricketfloodappeal/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_ipg=&_from=

Ebay auctions to support the Book Case, Hebden Bridge
http://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/bookcasehebdenfloodauction/m.html?_nkw&_armrs=1&_ipg&_from

Contributions of Vinyl wanted for record fair to support Muse Music / Love Cafe: Donations to The Trades Club, Hebden Bridge, email: lizktradesclub@gmail.com

Contributions of Art to be auctioned for the flood appeal – or a venue for this auction, contact Caroline Reed on Facebook
https://www.facebook.com/caroline.reed.507?fref=nf

Crowdfunding to save 2Tone Comics:
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/2tonecomics

Crowdfunding to save Ribbon Circus Habberdashery:
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/ribbon-circus

Crowdfunding for Dark Angel Clothing:
https://www.gofundme.com/5pe9ak

Crowdfunding to replace toys for Riverside Fun Club:
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/r-bracken-1

Crowdfunding to save Hiu Man Chinese Takeaway and help them contribute to providing food for volunteers:
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/hiu-man

Crowdfunding to rebuild Monster Computers:
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/sarah-vardy

Crowdfunding for Mytholmroyd Community Centre:
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/karen-harker

Crowdfunding for Molly and Ginger (clothes shop)
https://crowdfunding.justgiving.com/mollyandginger

Finally – it obviously wasn’t just my home town affected, here are some other appeals for other affected areas – I know there’s only so much money to go around but as they say – every little helps.

https://mydonate.bt.com/events/lancsfloodappeal

https://campaign.justgiving.com/charity/forevermanchester/GMFloodRecoveryAppeal/

http://campaign.justgiving.com/charity/cumbriafoundation/cumbriafloodappeal2015

(Please let me know if you know of any more and I will add them / share widely)

 

 

Walking home, Pecket to Old Town, Twilight

She dropped the Blood orange moon
and stained the evening sky,
a gluttonous autumn feast, raspberrie and plums
smeared from her sticky thumbs.
Mouth wiped clean on dusty clouds
and grey beard contrails that divide
the heavens – new realms of
mackrel scale, tabby fur, owl feather, speckled hen.
Waiting for the fire to go out.
I lost my breath, and then
a bat swoops low above
rose tinted thistledown.
The farmhouse’ sightless eyes
reflect the gaudy show –
delights for turks or shepherds or
weary walkers on their way to home and sleep –
a cut across the tops – a quiet treat.
Calves butt and play in twilight fields.
Heptonstall silhouette against the lurid sky.
Turning my back, not left to the black chapel
where we said our scarlet vows,
but down in the dark past
cricket pitch-black and silent
in the shadow of the mill,
Windchimes twinkle and blend with echoes
-clogs on cobbles, chattering and clattering,
Someone has left a coin in the washing machine.
Before me the moon in full display again,
Washed clean, damned spots got out.
Glory against an ink blue sky –
liquorice mountains in the early night.

Moirai

Nature’s jewellers have been out early,
stringing bright necklaces of morning tears
in the soft, quiet, mist.
New ploughed fields picked over by the glossy pheasant
and his hens, a bridal party of tiny twites in tow.

Cows watch proceedings and chew, ponderously
deliberating on deeper things
that never enter into the minds that race,
the scuttling creatures, who are too busy and blind
to see beauty in the rise and fall.

Chill in the air, smoke on the breeze.
Long shadows lay carpet for the frost
to skip across the hillside, dance beneath the trees.
So delicate a touch, yet deadly –
Not long and those diamond webs will freeze,
and shatter, scatter with the ashes of our broken hearts and dreams.

The weavers never weep. Simply pull the thread again,
start a new stitch and breathe deep.

Simple Vegetable Soup

1 Onion, diced
1 Red Pepper, diced
1 Green Pepper, diced
1 stick celery, sliced
1 Courgette, diced
1 cup green lentils
2 cloves garlic, crushed
2 tbsp fresh rosemary, chopped
1 tbsp fresh thyme, chopped
1 tbsp fresh marjoram or oregano, chopped
1 stock cube (veg or chicken)
1 tbsp tomato puree,
1 tin chopped tomatoes,
1 pint water,
1 tbsp oil,
Freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Lightly fry the onion, peppers, celery together in the oil until softened. Add the tomatoes, stock, water, garlic, courgette, lentils and herbs, and bring to the boil, simmer until the lentils are tender, adding more water if necessary. Taste when all vegetables are cooked, season as required, adding tomato puree to taste also. If too thick add a little more water, if too runny simmer a while longer until the required consistency. Use a stick blender to blitz half of the soup (or more, dependin on how chunky you like it.)

One Thousand Things – have you got £3?

Photo by Eastlake Times on Flickr – Creative Commons License

Ok. Here’s the deal. I’m getting on. I’m no spring chicken any more. And while I’m by no means a failure in life, I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’m great with other people’s money, I budget really well at work. But my own finances are a different matter. Since student loans overwrote the “never a borrower or lender be” mantra of my upbringing, I’ve never quite managed to break the cycle. And now I am not sure how, because I can’t escape the interest, or consolidate, so I’m stuck servicing something that never goes down.

I can afford it, don’t get me wrong. I’m not going bankrupt, yet. But it’s crappy to be in a situation where the best thing that could happen for your finances is that you get made redundant.  (Yes, in the short term, I know.)

It has crossed my mind more than once that if every one of my twitter followers gave me £3, I would be out of debt and on the way to putting my life together. [edit… £3? did I say £3? Hah. £30 more like. Maybe thats why i’m in such shit!] But I don’t believe in something for nothing. Not in this context. So, I wondered to myself, what could I give people that was worth £3?  And the answer is all sorts. My house is a treasure trove, an alladin’s cave. Books, cds, nick-nacks, jewellery, art, drawings, stories, roses, Most definitely worth £3 I think, much worth more. And it became an interesting idea. Like a bran tub, a mystery prize – who knows what you will get? A handmade book, a booker prize winner, a recipe for an amazing curry, a cd, a brooch, a poem, a feather, a tooth?

Maybe it’s just me, but I quite liked the idea of a surprise out of nowhere. So yes, while it would be great if the idea did save all my woes, i’m kind of more interested in it as a project now. Not necessarily my twitter followers. I’m fairly certain a lot of them are bots, or spam… I don’t say anything much interesting to deserve attention. But if you happened across this post, and happened to like the idea of buying a mystery, drop £3 in my paypal account (pandoraspages@gmail.com) with your address, and I’ll send you something random. I don’t really expect anyone to do this, but it would be fun if you did. Hell, the postage will probably offset it anyway, but an interesting way to declutter.  If you like, you can comment and say the kind of thing you would like. I will send you the story of the thing, it’s provenance, and something interesting about it. And, I’ll keep a log of the things I send – why not comment when you receive something? Tell me how great / rubbish / amazing / boring it is.

Some suggestions:

* Book
* CD* DVD
* Ornament
* A poem or story by me
* A family recipe
* Something weird
* A piece of art by me
* A hand sewn rose
* A handmade book
* A letter
* A pretty pebble
* A mystery thing
* Jewellery (ok, no diamonds…)

And meanwhile I will try to get on track through other ventures too. Who knows, you may be interested in them too.

Mental Health First Aid Training in Hebden Bridge

Beautiful Ribbon Roses (shop) (read more at https://rosetintedribbons.wordpress.com/)